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Kindness At A Time Of Sadness
When you least feel like eating, you are often surrounded by food. That is what sometimes happens when a loved one dies. People want to show they care, and they do so by bringing or sending things to eat.
I experienced this in January, after Maxine died. First, my fellow condo board members gifted me with an edible arrangement - the first one I had ever received. Then, I came home to find a box of pears and apples from Harry and David, sent by Mark Remillard and Marc Stewart. The gentlemen remembered that Maxine could peel an apple in one try, and decided to commemorate her that way.
The gifts were a godsend at a time when I didn’t feel like cooking. All I ate for days after was fruit salad, made up from the bereavement presents.
I’ve experienced this kindness in other ways, too. On the day my mother died, we made the funeral arrangements, then went to Knight’s Steakhouse, where we had celebrated her 100th birthday. The staff at Nick’s House of Pancakes sent a floral arrangement to the funeral home. Zingerman’s Deli gave us the employee rate for catering my mother’s funeral lunch. Hearing how much my mother loved chocolate, See’s Candy sent a two-pound box on the anniversary of her death.
Food plays such an important role after death in so many cultures. There is a great tradition in the Jewish faith called “sitting shiva,” in which the family receives guests for seven days after a death. Burial is supposed to take place within 24 hours, meaning people can’t always get to the funeral, so they come afterwards. Traditionally, you bring coffee cake or something to serve the visitors.
Zingerman’s Mail Order offers several options of bereavement gifts. (My favorite is gelato, which recipients have told me they hide and share with family after the mourners have left). You can send a kosher shiva and sympathy basket from Zabar’s. There’s even Shiva.com, which specializes in sweets, nuts, dried fruit and chocolate gifts.
More recently, the custom of funeral meal trains has popped up. Friends organize daily meals to be sent to the homes of those who have lost loved ones, either in the form of restaurant deliveries or gift cards. They can even be set up for grocery shopping.
A historic custom
As it turns out, people are taking part in a custom that stretches back for centuries. Researchers have discovered evidence of food following a funeral as far back as 12,000 years ago (it was served in a cave in Israel).
Customs vary by religion and culture. In the Hindu faith, mourners do not eat meat for a period of time after a death. Instead, they are fed samosas filled with vegetables and spices. In Korea, yukaejang, a red spicy soup with beef, scallions and sweet potatoes, is often served.
Mexican culture has extensive traditions surrounding death, such as the festivities of the Day of the Dead. Funeral dishes sometimes include pan de muerto, a bread that’s flavored with orange and shaped like a cross.
Many American church communities offer funeral lunches after services and burials, with congregants contributing dishes that create a big pot luck event. A constant at these meals is funeral potatoes, which vary by region. Up north, they’re more like scalloped potatoes, sliced and served with a cream sauce and cheese, while in the south, they are cubed and often topped with potato chips.
The support of family and friends
Beyond organized events, there is the kindness of friends and neighbors. My father died when I was in junior high school, and our house was immediately flooded with food.
Our Danish neighbor went to the trouble of hand-crafting a box of pastry — what you’d call a danish or a sweet roll — but these were better than any I had ever tasted from a bakery. All these years later, I remember them, and now that I know something about baking, I realize she was probably up for hours preparing the dough, cutting and filling each one.
Food can’t stop grief, but the simple gesture of showing that you care is enormously meaningful. After my mother died, I spent a Sunday afternoon writing thank you notes to everyone who sent food, flowers or made a contribution in her memory. It was an opportunity to think of these friends and what they had meant to our family.
If there is a delicious flavor associated with that, it accents the friendship the way a spice or herb makes a dish memorable. Anyone who takes the time to make a gesture with food should know how much it is appreciated, and remembered.
My thanks to Henry Harteveldt for suggesting this topic. Did anyone do something nice for you after a loss? Share your gratitude here.
Happy 80th Birthday To Manny’s
If you’re from Chicago, you know about Manny’s Deli. It sits just south of the Loop, and it’s a must-visit for any politician who hopes to make their mark in the city, including that local guy who became president.
Manny’s has been owned by members of same family for three generations, and it faced a tough time in the early months of the pandemic. Danny Raskin went on Twitter to let customers and the public know that it was teetering, and was overwhelmed by the response.
As part of its survival plan, Manny’s began delivering its big sandwiches and other other hearty food to the Chicago suburbs, reaching people who weren’t coming in to their offices and to events. It launched collaborations with a series of other food businesses around the city.
Manny’s celebrated its birthday on Tuesday with a new smoked pastrami special called The 80. Anyone who bought a sandwich that day got a potato pancake and a slice of cheesecake.
I couldn’t make it to the anniversary, but I’m looking forward to being around when Manny’s turns 100. That will be some party.
Celebrating A Wall Of Sound
Earlier this year, I told you about Jarl Mohn’s coffee mug quest. Jarl, who served as chief executive officer for National Public Radio, turned 70 this year. For his birthday, he decided to join all 251 public radio member stations in the country.
In return, he asked for a coffee mug. He received one from 210 stations.
Now, his collection is complete, and it’s on display in his home. See if you can spot your local public radio station. There are also three surprises tucked in among the mugs; can you find them?
The Tiny Shops Of Tokyo
When I lived in Tokyo, I was enchanted with the tiny shops in my neighborhood of Azuba Juban, and indeed, all over the city. They were only a storefront wide, and usually specialized in one thing, like fruit, or cookies in gift boxes, or hand crafted ceramics. There were also little bars with just three or four stools, and tiny restaurants - one specialized in spaghetti with a choice of sauce.
I always wondered how they could stay in business; they couldn’t generate that much revenue, and Tokyo is one of the world’s most expensive cities, where soaring skyscrapers abound.
Now, a new book explains the principle behind their success. In Emergent Tokyo: Designing the Spontaneous City, authors Jorge Almazan and Joe McReynolds say that deliberate choices have kept these “microspaces” alive.
They explain that at any two-story rowhouse in Tokyo, the owner can operate a bar, a restaurant, a boutique, a small workshop on the ground floor — even in the most residential zoned sections of the city. “That means you have an incredible supply of potential microspaces,” Joe says.
If you are a fellow fan of Old Enough on Netflix, you’ll notice that the parents often operate a business, such as a cafe or gift shop, downstairs from the family home. That’s how they can do so.
Liquor licenses are kept deliberately cheap, which helps alleys filled with mini drinking establishments stay vibrant. There are many tax breaks to help the small businesses stay afloat, even as glitzy developments rise nearby.
You can read more about their book here. It will illuminate your next visit.
What I’m writing
I love to go to estate sales. Once I’m the door, I walk past the furniture and home decor and head straight for the kitchen. I relish finding useful gear at a fraction of what I would pay for it at Sur La Table or even Home Goods.
However, there are some red flags to buying cooking equipment second hand. I provided some tips for second-hand kitchen shopping in this story for The Takeout.
One of my favorite beverages every summer is watermelon-mint lemonade. I am fascinated by watching the bartenders at the High Hat Cafe make it, but it’s a time-consuming process.
I recently played around with a watermelon lemonade recipe in my kitchen and came up with an easier way to enjoy it at home. I also added some variations on it which you can read about here.
Keeping Up With CulinaryWoman
If you’re in New Orleans this week, please come to the Garden District Book Store on Thursday. I will be interviewing James Beard Award winner Vishwesh Bhatt about his outstanding new cookbook I Am From Here. It is a ticketed event with books and food and drink. Sign up and say hello when you get there.
My fall calendar of events for Satisfaction Guaranteed is available on my website. I just dropped out a stack of autographed books at Coutelier in New Orleans. You can pick one up at their new store, or they will be happy to ship you one.
Please note: there will NOT be a newsletter next Sunday. I’m giving myself a week off for the Labor Day holiday. But paid subscribers will receive all their usual weekday benefits, including Red Beans and Advice and The Conversation.
I’d love for you to be eligible to receive those. Please upgrade your subscription and enjoy lots more CulinaryWoman each week.
I’ll see our paid subscribers tomorrow and everyone else on Sunday, Sept. 11. Please get any vaccines that you need and stay healthy. Enjoy these last days of summer!